I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
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If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
A collection of me turning into random objects.
his wife is probably gonna see that
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!