I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
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Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now