I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
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[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]