Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
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Stop.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.