I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.