I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.