@juliussharpe: I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.
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@bridger_w: I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon.
@RandiLawson: Did U hear they're remaking 'Dirty Dancing' & Miley Cyrus is gonna play the abortion.
@Sal0630: If you've never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you're not me.
@murrman5: [roommate hears me come in] "how was the date?" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish