*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Gods work.