I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
just make the entire table out of coaster
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
A bold strategy
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Message from the dog groomers
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.