I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin