I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
You Might Also Like
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.