There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
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Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
The point of your 20s
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.