I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok