“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
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[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Cinematography is my passion
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.