“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
You Might Also Like
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween