A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”