I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is