I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
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Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
do horses think humans are hats
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”