I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
sry
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time