Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
You Might Also Like
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*