When I play the kazoo, I play to win
You Might Also Like
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I hate everything
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.