JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
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Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?