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@caseytduncan: I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
@envydatropic: I get a new phone every year just so my friends don't think I'm lying when I tell them I've lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
@LaziestCanine: [sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c'mon dude try it, it's only one cigarette
@praisecheese: For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
@jenstatsky: A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.
@In_Twittaland: That worked out so much differently in my head.
- an autobiography