@ElgatoEsmio: I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
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@IamEnidColeslaw: when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
@Home_Halfway: Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
@SardonicTart: I'm glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don't know what I'd do with all this work.
@internetluke: Little Kid: wanna hear a joke? Me: life is meaningless without death Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?