I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
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Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.