I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
pat pat
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for