@that1bish27: "I traded my carpet in for bare floors" --coworker. "Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.", said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
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@leechee420: Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I can’t find my sandals WIFE: did you look everywhere? ME: yes WIFE: even down ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
@Be___Dope: Her: You like shopping? Me: Oh god yes! Her: What's your favorite place? Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
@iAmDelFreaky: Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don't remember buying any of this stuff. Or having an Asian baby.