“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
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Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
opening twitter today
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.