“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
You Might Also Like
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.