I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
That’s classic.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”