I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
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Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What