@SeanEmeny: I treat women well cause I'm a real man. Also, if I'm nice to them maybe they'll come over and kill this spider for me
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@MikeDrucker: You can't run a country like a business. If you did, you'd have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that's socialism! Bye!
@GrantTanaka: band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS crowd: [shouting songs] me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
@ch000ch: JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that's only like 11 days
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses. 5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?