@SeanEmeny: I treat women well cause I'm a real man. Also, if I'm nice to them maybe they'll come over and kill this spider for me
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@JediGigi: [dont let him know you're a sponge] Waitress: *spills drink on table* GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn
@robyn_vo: I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I'm the lead singer of Creed.
@jonnysun: FRIEND: and this is my pug PUG: oink ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say "oink"
@JaneBadall: Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you? *Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*