@SeanEmeny: I treat women well cause I'm a real man. Also, if I'm nice to them maybe they'll come over and kill this spider for me
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@jenlaw_11: If a server comes to my table and asks 'hows everythin tasting?' mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
@sara_ashlynn: Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
@QwertyJones3: [Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs] "You doing legs today?" Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
@kissmefreedom: Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor's degree and a history of head injuries.