My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
me adding lol on a serious message
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund