I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.