I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄