@o__0Dev: I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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@Breadery: Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
@Spaziotwat: Deodorant? I've never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
@daemonic3: WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind
@Shut_up_Marissa: In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.