@HousewifeOfHell: I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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@ObscureGent: [Waiting at the dentist] *leans over to stranger* I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: do you work well under pressure? Me: Interviewer: Me: Interviewer: well? Me: Jesus Christ man, I'm thinking