I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
mechanics be like
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.