people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!