Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
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ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Anyone want a chair?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…