@knotta_tardfan: I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@yassinovic89: Gf: am I pretty or ugly? Bf: you're both hun :) Gf: what do you mean both? Bf: you're pretty ugly.
@TheMichaelRock: Boss: Anyone have anything else to add to this meeting? Me: Yes. I am awesome. Boss.... Me: Write that shit down.
@nbadag: *mob meeting* ayo new guy—who're you? "they call me the butcher" oh yea? why's that, butch? *smacks him with a pork loin* "no reason"
@Marlebean: *sees cute doctor in scrubs* *falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth! Doc: ... Me: Aren't you obligated to help? Husband: GET UP!