I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.