@AllyBallyBeal: I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
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@Mr_Kapowski: My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners
@HomeProbably: My parents were very inspirational, they used to say: "You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don't do it here."
@MythicPicnic: I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
@danchovy: I'm the dog whisperer. I'll whisper the word "dog" 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right