I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
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Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us