I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
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9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
j o i m p
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Important
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.