I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I love wikipedia
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.