I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
You Might Also Like
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am