I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
one of
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.