@msbhaven81: I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
@Jamdug: What if you're a Gift Horse Dentist?
@notalogin: Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
@sadmonsters: When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
@Fred_Delicious: "911? Help, my son has gone missing"
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
"Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere"
@Just_Lee_: I need a draft folder for my mouth.