@msbhaven81: I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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@GlennyRodge: Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot. Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold. Baby bear: aren't we supposed to eat fish?
@Rollmaninoz: [at my funeral] *casket falls onto the floor* Mum: that's the quickest I've ever seen him move Dad: lol owned
@Brianhopecomedy: I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it's because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.