@msbhaven81: I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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@ericsshadow: [emergency room] DOCTOR: Point to what's causing you the most pain ME: I can't, they're at home playing xbox
@Furry_Beaver: My boss asked me why I'm late, apparently answering "because your wife wouldn't let me get out of bed" just gets you sent to HR.
@3sunzzz: H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one. Me: H: Oh, and it came with this 75" television.