@msbhaven81: I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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@RudeFunPillow: "WHAT DO WE WANT?" i havent decided yet "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?" i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
@freypalm: *montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do* Wife: Where's Brian? Me: [studying her closely] He's… right here?
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday? Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug. 4: You told me not to lie.
@McMcmadmac: My grandpa use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels!