I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
What a website
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?