I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
He a real one for that
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?