I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
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As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Steam Forums
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
idk flipping houses looks really hard