I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos