i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home