I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
You Might Also Like
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?