@2tickytacky: He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
@Shanehasabeard: Haha, I feel sorry for all you losers who missed out on the Bitcoin train. You should've bought in years ago, like me: A perfectly normal man who coincidentally hoarded a virtual currency during a time when it's only use was for sex trafficking and purchasing organs.
@WheelTod: [In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
"This is my jam"
*hands her a jar
"I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more..."
@FlyJ_: "Drop it like it's hot," is my favorite song about dropping stuff that's hot.
@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What's their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
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