@2tickytacky: He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

@Shanehasabeard: Haha, I feel sorry for all you losers who missed out on the Bitcoin train. You should've bought in years ago, like me: A perfectly normal man who coincidentally hoarded a virtual currency during a time when it's only use was for sex trafficking and purchasing organs.

@WheelTod: [In Club] *slides up to girl on dance floor "This is my jam" *hands her a jar "I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more..."

@FlyJ_: "Drop it like it's hot," is my favorite song about dropping stuff that's hot.

@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book? Me: Every night Priest: What's their favorite part? Me: When Frodo destroys the ring