@HannahAntics: I complain about my kids a lot but I'd be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

@QwertyJones3: [kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time] "They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb."

@jaxxygrant: Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

@KalvinMacleod: ALIEN: take me to ur leader ME: ok [later at zoo] A: wtf M: a lemur A: I said leader M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

@AmishPornStar1: Cupcakes are for people who don't have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake! Losers.