@anbrll00: I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn't accept Jesus.
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@HannahAntics: I complain about my kids a lot but I'd be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
@QwertyJones3: [kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time] "They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb."
@jaxxygrant: Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
@KalvinMacleod: ALIEN: take me to ur leader ME: ok [later at zoo] A: wtf M: a lemur A: I said leader M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing