@squirrel74wkgn: I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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@SveldtSmelt: I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
@MourningGlory_: Whenever someone tells me they get a "high" from running, all I'm thinking is, "You've obviously never been high before."
@TheRolo: *UFO attacks* Govt: It's a weather balloon. *UFO destroys Eiffel Tower* Govt: Weather balloon. *UFO conquers Earth* Govt: Weather balloon.
@Reverend_Scott: BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what's first today? NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat- INTERN: [covering new guy's mouth] we pretend we don't know