I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR